By Luka Kolakusic, @dream_shake
“Awful, awful headline that! I’ve no desire to even start reading what promises to be a nonsensical jumble of insulting words directed at my one true love: Transfer Rumor.” – Random Internet User (my apologies if this is your real name).
Let’s not kid ourselves: it has turned into quite the love story; sort of a “Rachel and Ross when not on a break” or, if you’re a The Office person like myself, a “Paper salesman falls in love with the engaged-to-another-man receptionist” thing. True, Transfer Rumor could be your soulmate, in which case it would be extremely classless of me to stand in the way of your happiness. Reality check: I don’t care one bit and there’s nothing you can do to stop me! Call the authorities, it’s about to get ugly in here.
click, n.: the act of selecting something on a computer screen by pressing a button on a mouse or some other device
whore, n.: a person who engages in promiscuous sexual intercourse, usually for money
It feels appropriate to start with Mr. Director. Here’s a list of some headlines appearing this summer amoungst major English media representatives:
- Manchester City transfer target Kevin de Bruyne drops biggest hint yet he’s leaving
- Today in Karim Benzema news!
- David de Gea’s girlfriend, the popstar Edurne Garcia, has seemingly confirmed that the Manchester United goalkeeper’s transfer to Real Madrid is complete
- Man Utd offered a glimmer of hope in pursuit of Sergio Ramos
- Confirmed: Arsenal miss out on former Manchester United target
- Arsenal’s missed XI – the start transfers they missed out on
- Confirmed: Man Utd, Arsenal and Liverpool dealt chronic blow as Argentine star agrees deal
Is that enough for your pleasure? Good, cause it makes me sick reading and writing them. Now, focus on words and phrases like “drops biggest hint yet”, “miss out” (my personal favorite), “seemingly” and “dealt chronic blow”. CHRONIC blow – seriously?!
In general, most of transfer-related “news” headlines don’t reveal much more than vague clues or hints, to use the infamous term, regarding the article’s content. From my point of view, calling it journalism would be an insult to the few dependable sports reporters out there. The “why” part of it all is explained earlier, thanks to the good people who write online dictionaries. If I’m not mistaken, many writers get paid only if their piece gets a certain amount of clicks. To slightly alter the wise words of Jessie J: “It’s all about the money, money, money.“
The same expression can be used to describe Manchester City’s transfer policy, or indeed Raheem Sterling’s life motto: the options are endless. Ludicrous nevertheless, but that’s the world we live in today – everything is a competition. As you may have noticed, the titles listed above aren’t hyperlinked. It’s healthier that way; wouldn’t want to encourage the addiction. Sadly, for some, the action of clicking on like items has become almost reflexive in a way. That’s completely understandable, considering how difficult it is to let go of the one that makes your heart sing with absolute joy, that makes it beat faster and faster, until one day you find yourself lying in a squeaky hospital bed, recovering from a teeny-tiny heart attack. Hey, what can I tell you? Love hurts.
ego boost, n.: something such as a praise, success, etc, that makes one feel better about oneself or raises ones’s morale
jump to conclusions, Fig.: to guess the facts about a situation without having enough information
Nowadays, it doesn’t take long for a rumor to spread like wildfire. In fact, not more than 6 components are needed to make a delicious rumor-pasta with pesto sauce and caprese salad on the side:
- Pesto Sauce
- Caprese Salad
- Internet Connection
- Twitter Account
Naturally, we as fans want all the best for our club, including certified top class players joining the squad, and there’s nothing wrong with that. However, regarding transfer rumors, thin is the line that separates positive and illogical thinking leading to a wonderful story of ‘man/woman finds love in the arms of a Transfer Rumor – husband/wife becomes aware of the affair by overhearing suspicious clicking sounds – one spouse kicks the other out on the street’.
You must be thinking:“That story is not wonderful at all.” Wrong. You see, The Rumor turned out to be true, consequently leading to a “marriage and 2 kids” development between itself and the cheater. The honor of naming the kids is all yours. In love, one in 3 billion is the right one. Same goes for transfer rumors.
When it comes down to it, retweets and clicks are not that different. Distinction: clicks feed wallets, retweets feed egos. Isn’t it astonishing how a single tweet or ‘encrypted’ Instagram photo has the power to send millions of people to the magic land of delusion and foolishness? Confession time: sheer amount of transfer BS and fans’ overreaction to it got me to unfollow close to 300 people, and it felt liberating. In all honesty, I’ve been known to get sucked into that vicious brown tornado of irrational hope and dissapointments once or twice. Two of those bastards are particularly memorable: Suarez and Higuain. Fortunately, the recovery was long, but successful. Medicine? Here’s my secret formula:
- 2 FA Cups
- 1 big-eyed German genius
- 1 Duracell Bunny made in Chile
- 1 helmeted Chelsea legend
The Final Point
BREAKING NEWS in the last sentence! One piece of wisdom for you: Watch out for questionable clicking sounds! It could save your marriage! Well, two really: Don’t believe everything you read on the internet.
Original, huh? Time to say goodbye, for now. Oh, the news! According to my source’s source, you don’t want to miss out on the chance to comment and share this blog. Hope you enjoyed reading. UTA!
Written by Luka Kolakusic. Contact him at @dream_shake